Friday, February 10, 2006

Open Up The Vents

For days I've been dueling myself, struggling not to lose hope in what seemed to be a blossoming relationship. Quickly, and eagerly we moved, but almost as fast as it started, the petals began falling from the dead flower. I saw him as a great friend, and was at war with myself over the idea of informing of my personal feelings. As much as I thought about just pretending for awhile, I felt I owed him that honesty before too much emotion was invested.

I can't help the way I am. I can't help I feel that drinking on a nightly basis is a sign of inner turmoil. And most of all, I can't help feeling the urge to help someone who has suffered an unfair life, and is self-destructing over it. I am not one to turn my back on my friends, and I don't find it easy to turn the cheek on people I care about.

I care about him. Even as I sit here, with him hating me some 40 minutes away, I know that he is a great, kind, friendly, super person. I adored his friends and family, as they all made me feel so welcome. But even the best of people can have issues, and it is the reaction to help with those issues that truly defines the person.

I may live at home, I may be 21, but I am as far from stupid as Michael Jackson is to black skinned.

The fact is, in my attempt to address the problem, discard the boyfriend title, and maintain what I perceived to be some great friendships, I have simply lost in all of the above. I felt as though he was rather irrational about the whole thing from the get go, going as far as telling me to "fuck off" when I expressed my concern.

In any case, to Zach and his friends; No regrets. You are all amazing people, and I loved what little time we got to spend together. Thank you for accepting me, inviting me over, and making me feel so welcome. I hoped to remain friends with all of you, but I'm willing to bet the only time I will see you is in passing.

I apologize if my honesty was brutal, and if my concern wasn't appreciated. But I am who I am, and I will be nobody else. I feel how I feel, and I refuse to mask my feelings, just so someone hears exactly what they want to hear.

Sometimes, a friend has to be the enemy. It was up to Zach to decide whether or not I was worth being friends with despite my viewpoint. Evidently, I am not worth it. Take my advice, and don't throw away friends for being honest. Don't throw away friends for addressing issues that you may disagree with.

Good luck in your future endeavors.