Saturday, March 25, 2006

Internal War Of The Day

The excellence of life is totally determined by one's own actions. And I've quickly learned that in this world we live in, you have to grab life by the balls and give it your all unless you want to flounder and swim with the rest of the people who have settled for less.

Settling for less...I shake my head when I hear of others doing it. It's so ridiculous how easily some people give up on doing or being anything but a simple housewife, or mindless slave to their job. I guess having the love of their life is all some people need to feel complete.

For some, love comes easy, but it's never been the case with me. I have to work at it so hard to find someone I think I might care about, and then in the end it never fits.

I'm not going to lie...part of me is envious of those who have found true love, and yet part of me wonders if such a thing even exists. Or at least, I wonder if it will exist for me...ever? I mean...perhaps love is just two people settling for each other, despite obvious flaws.

I don't know...I guess I believe that it exists, but it's so unrealistic for me personally at this point. If I was would be so much easier, but I'm gay, so basically I'm fucked out of a good love life.

And, you know...I'm gay...but I am still very much a christian in my heart. I pray all the time, and I feel like I have a personal relationship with God...and in the back of my mind, I'm just so scared of hell.

Today I'm stuck in limbo, too gay for church and too christian for gay.

Live a life of unhappiness, and loneliness for God? Or, indulge in my own personal sexual preference, and be happy here on earth. I'm just worrying...people throwing seeds in my ear about how homosexuality is going to take me to hell. I feel like I'm going to rip in half some days.

So yeah, I'm not willing to be changed. I'm gay, that's that...but at least I can try to be close to God, and keep him in my heart. Maybe that alone will keep me and my future partner out of hell. Afterall, we are all sinners, and God views all sin equally. I have just as much of a chance as anyone else.


I'm happy, don't get me wrong...but love is something I never get to touch base on. It just never happens for me. And while it's definitely secondary for me at this point, I hope to find someone out there who is willing to settle for me. These issues weigh heavy on me.

I don't know if anyone will ever love me...but I know God always will.