Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Bad Day

Stressed and depressed.

Today I had the worst anxiety attack I've had in awhile, and while I'm not the type to drop to my knees and cry for help, I did lose ability to think [at all] clearly, and only managed to work thanks to what I like to call "employee auto-pilot".

Somehow I managed.


Rather than venturing into my conclusive evidence that I hate people (and my job), I'll opt to talk about more positive things, like, anything else but those topics.


Today was a beautiful day, though the sunshine was just muffled by an array of storm clouds who have just been overcome (yet again) by sunshine. It's around 7:45 right now, and the shadows are stretching as day passes the torch to night ever so slowly in my own back yard.

For whatever underlying reason, I've been missing my old black-furred buddy Toby today.

Don't get me wrong, I always miss him, but today I was inspired to put him up on my desktop background. Today I think I began to really evaluate how much I miss him, and how much I wish he was going to be waiting for me at the foot of my bed tonight.


The text at the bottom reads: "Friends my come and go, but the important ones remain in your heart forever."

Sometimes I can't believe he's gone! And sometimes I totally freak myself out by thinking about his frail little body burried in a container a few feet under the earth out at grandmas.

Toby's wrapped in a maroon towel. For the years I used that maroon towel, never knowing that it would one day serve to protect Toby's dead body beneath the earth, out of view forever. A big part of my life is wrapped up in that old maroon towel, and as silly as it sounds I miss that towel. Not because it was maroon, but because when we had that towel, Toby was still alive.

Does that make ANY sense to anyone but me? Probably not.


The other night I woke up and carefully moved my legs so as not to disturb "him". Then I realized he wasn't there. The awakening was like a sharp snap back to reality where Toby no longer existed, and my eyes filled with water with the harsh realization that he will never sleep there again.

It's okay though. He sleeps inside my heart, and will until the day I die.

I love you buddy!

Peace, love, and hugs to all.