Friday, November 24, 2006

Are You Happy Now?

The annoyingly friendly ringtone set for my cellphone alarm danced into my eardrums at approximately 5:15 am this morning. Having just fallen asleep 4 hours and 15 minutes prior, I opted to reset the phone to 5:28. The logic in that has yet to be defined by me. It seemed like a good idea in my groggy state.

Sometime during that thirteen minute snooze, I heard the snarl of a dog coming from outside, somewhere down the dark streets that intersect in my neighborhood; quite the disturbing revelation to someone who is about to be walking on those very streets to get to work. That said, I rolled out of bed, stumbled across my clothing-layered bedroom floor, and shuffled into the bathroom for a pee. Immediately after emptying the bladder, I threw on work clothes worn the previous day, did not shower, and did not care. After snatching my Marb Milds and hat from the table, I made my way to work, ever alert of any vicious canines that might decide they want a bite. None showed themselves.

Work began. It wasn't bad. Afterall, it was Thanksgiving and the holidays are all about greatness and cheerful behavioral patterns, right? So, I got some shit done at work...things that took me by surprise that I later found "had been covered at the meeting".

So let's evaluate this situation a bit. I have oh-so-colorfully expressed my incessant problem with absorbing information in a normal manner countless times in the past month. This is a condition that is well beyond my control, because TRUST me, I would much rather absorb EVERYTHING than be cut down and humiliated over every little thing I forget. Moreover, the lack of understanding, or even WILL for other people to TRY and understand where I am coming from is disturbing. It's disturbing because I am falling down a dark tunnel, stumbling over roadblocks that are placed in front of me, and nobody can so much as throw me a fucking gatorade!

As previously stated, work ensued, and before the following "manager" even had punched in I was criticized for things that really didn't involve her. A gray shower of intolerance, and hypocritical criticisms were bestowed upon me within 10 minutes of her being in the store. What's saddest of all, is that I was not even asking questions to validate the intolerance. It was a mere case of me bringing something up that I figured out on my own, and then hearing how it was covered at the meeting. I mean...give me a break. I got it done, and it was done right. Then, a customer comes in with a 500 dollar winning lotto ticket that I sold him. After hearing that we had to make out a money order, he spun around, noted that he would go elsewhere to redeem his cash, thus saving me some work.

Relieved, I walk into the back, and say "well that leaving he just saved me some work." The response from my superior was "you mean saved me work? You would've been asking ME how to do it, even though ****** showed you how a couple weeks ago."

Um...ok. To begin with, when I did the task two weeks ago, it wasn't done properly, even though the Queen of all herself showed me how to do it. So yeah, that wasn't my mistake. Furthermore, even if I HAD been shown properly, whos to say anyone of a normal human mind would remember the process in its entirety come two weeks later? Not many. Let alone the new, forgetful, anxious me.

I've really grown sick and tired of the condescending notes, and smartass remarks. I may be, and feel dumber than hell right now, but at least I have the gift of diplomacy. And I also realize that you don't earn people's respect by belittling and making someone feel an inch tall. I don't write things with a provacative undertone intended to belittle, or injure ones personal image. (Personal image being, the view someone may have of themselves ALREADY.)

So, cut down and feeling WORSE and MORE stressed out about the (evidently) horrific job I do these days, I leave the store with a lump in my throat, not knowing how I'm ever going to fix myself.

I'm a whiner. I'm slacking. I ask too many questions. I'm deaf. I don't pay attention. I don't drive. So yeah...having being handed THOSE lovely commpliments, is it any wonder I want to disintigrate into thin air?

All I can say is that I wish I could help it. I wish I didn't feel so bad all the time, I wish I had the ability to hear and absorb more things. I wish I had the physical energy to do my job better, and I WISH I had a car. I mean...these are all things that I want, so constantly throwing the fact that I don't have them does not help my situation in the least.

I said my goodbyes, punched out and started home.

On the way home I was in deep thought. I barely remember walking. It was more or less just moving, and staring into space, unfocused, and trapped in deep thought. Then I saw what looked like a dirty mop with a pink tongue. At first glance, I thought this, appearantly shitzu, was tied to the porch...that is until I watched him piss on the tire of a parked van.

He stood there looking at me innocently, pink tongue darting in and out of his black beard. He had boggled eyes, and the fact that he was runaway was exposed by a chewed wire-like leash lay coiled beneath his panting belly. This was a tell-tale sign that he belonged to someone in the close viscinity.

Predisposed with my mental anguish, I trekked by him with one goal in mind: Thanksgiving.

It was about that time that I heard the pitter patter of doggy feet on the sidewalk. He shadowed me up 15th street, all the way up North Avenue to West 14th, where I finally realized I had to find a home for this new found friend. The next hour and a half was spent walking around, going door to door with my homely (and stinky) companion, in hopes of finding his real family.

Eventually I became enlightened to the fact that the police station could find his owners IF he had a blair county tag with a serial number. It just so happened that he DID. After a brief car ride consisting of wet dog rolling on lap, I got him home, and put a smile on his owners face.

Back home I went, showered, and washed the build-up of grime I had accumulated through the days endeavors. Then it was over the river and through the woods (actually...up towards Houtzdale) to grandmas house for Thanksgiving dinner.

The food was great. In all honesty, todays turkey was probably the best turkey I've ever had. (Granted, I'm not really big on it to begin with.) I did some socializing, but there wasn't a lot. It was pretty boring, so for a short period I receded up into the game room where I strummed a guitar for part of the evening.

As the evening sky was ablaze, at that moment JUST before darkness, I took a walk behind the house where I sang to myself. I know one of the songs was No Doubts "Are You Happy Now?". Pretty good stuff.

An hour or so later we were on our way back down the mountain to good ol'Tyrone, where I met up with Wendy, and played scattergories. Though I'm normally a wiz at this game...I've been really having a hard time coming up with points in recent weeks thanks to a crippled mind. Having admitted that, I was glad to see the game end prematurely, and spend the rest of the time watching the end of the CMA's before finally coming home, sitting down, and talking here, to my blog.

A blog is the best friend anyone can have. It's personal perspective in plain black and white. It enlightens the writer, and sometimes, hopefully the reader. Afterall, you know what they say about walking a mile in someone elses shoes.

Love, hugs, and happiness to all.