Sunday, June 10, 2007

> home

What started as a nice night of mountain pies and family socialization out back turned into me throwing a cup of iced tea into the fire, and storming off - dad trailing close behind with clenched fists and a sharp tongue.

It all started with discussion of my brother, and his girlfriend. We talked about how they kiss a lot, at uncomfortable times, and about mom's unpleasant surprise of catching my sibling with his hand in his girlfriend's shirt. Listening to the story, I cringed. Dad retorted with "I'm glad." It was a verbal dagger, meant to illustrate his dissatisfaction with my gay "lifestyle". He continued on to say that this behavior was a surefire sign that he would in fact have grandchildren after all. He snickered after saying this.

Hurt, I mentioned the possibility of artificial insemination someday, if not having a child ever became a big deal to me. I told him I could probably find a friend, or even pay someone to bear a child. Or...then of course there's the adoption option. Dad's response was heated, and his pupils were minuscule in his angry eyes as he clenched his teeth. He told me that it's one thing if I want to make the choice to be gay, but to bring a child into it is "fucking wrong". (And he used a local lesbian couple who have adopted as an example.) He went on to basically say I'd be written off if I did something like that. "Never under my roof!" he declared.

Forget loving parents. Forget caring. "If they are gay, no way." That's his stance, and I suppose he's entitled to it. Mine? I think I would make ten fucking times the father he has even if I was a single parent.

It was such a simple discussion. There were no raised voices initially, but suddenly it was as though my father sought an opportunity to show his true feelings on me being gay, and it was his way of venting some pressure he'd accumulated in the past 3 years. I was so livid at the barrage of insults I had accrued in a short number of time that I threw my tea into the fire. He came at me like a barbarian but stopped when I turned to face him. My mother broke it up, but in reality she really backed his beliefs with certain things she said - she played both sides in flipping on dad for being so insulting. evenings ruined. I'm going to bed. I'll unleash my frustrations tomorrow on the elliptical and hopefully make up for the pizza mountain pies I've consumed.

Might go job hunting this week. I don't know.